Discipline is the road to freedom

i’ve been attempting to depict what transcending feels like or what transcending looks like that is, if transcending felt or looked like anything.. or rather let me put it like this; many of the paintings and drawings i’ve made over the last twenty one months have manifested as a result of ideas brought to light or developed through my meditation practice. there is no doubt, since i began meditating seriously after being taught transcendental meditation – TM – how i think about and make art has been transformed in a manner I could not have imagined; namely in two ways; how ideas are filtered and developed before execution and the way in which meditation art and life have morphed and meshed into one another resulting in there being little or no discernible difference between any of these actions. recognising a new idea passing through my imagination as i sit meditating or sewing on a button; working on a charcoal drawing or cycling down the old kent road heading to the supermarket, the differences are becoming less defined and the concept of creating more time for more concentrated creative action, more focused and meaningful action rather than be intermittently distracted by meaningless or frustrating thoughts i have no control over, suits the way i need to be as an artist just fine. and i imagine this concept could be applicable to almost anything one were occupied with whether it be working in a bank or kicking a football; same thing; dynamic approach, attention to detail, job satisfaction. So, i felt better, life got better and the art got better and as mentioned before the art changed. more abstract. more personal. it’s worth to mention that i don’t believe the change, these abstract ideas that manifested after a week or so of meditating were conjured by TM but as a result of TM. i believe they were already in my imagination but the sifting and the clarity of thought brought them to the fore; it refines and sharpens ideas that lay either unexplored or dulled by the surplus of ‘stuff’ going on internally on a day to day moment by moment basis in everyday life. the chitter chatter that plays out and is simply accepted as normal; at such a level that it fogs and obscures the intended thought to such a frequent extent that this level of thought is not only accepted as to be expected but is so ‘normal’ that it simply is.

about transcending and how to describe or depict it, well, it’s nothing really; no thing; nothing.. described it might go like this: set the app alarm for twenty minutes and off i go, sitting comfortably eyes closed quite mind – mantra comes in, mantra mantra mantra then i’m thinking about painting and then i’m thinking about how i’m feeling and then i realise these two thoughts are intertwined and that somewhere amongst this chaos the mantra is weaving in and out and then the mind is quiet with just a bit of mantra coming through and i think to myself well i must have been thinking about that painting and how i was feeling for a couple of minutes or so there i guess i’d better get settled in and start this meditation and the next moment perhaps right at that moment when i’m thinking that thought, the app alarm gently sounds. that, is how i would explain or describe what transcending is like; is there any explanation at all for no time no space no thought no self no thing, nothing. it is in retrospect something that happens and at the same time doesn’t happen. of it there is no memory or recollection whatsoever BUT the sense of calm accomplishment; rested contentment, satisfaction clarity and happiness is always profound AND i feel there is a certain something – some micro event – some trace – some shift that occurs in the split second before one transcends before that no thingness occurs, i am sure. and this ‘micro event’ i have, i am convinced experienced and been aware of a handful of times.

something, happens. an awareness of something about to happen; like a reflex, a fraction that i can only attempt to describe as feeling like an alteration in body / mind pressure or a shifting of energy from one point to another somewhere deep within the consciousness; and it comes and is gone in a fraction of the bat of an eyelid. and it is this moment that i have been attempting to depict in recent work. the sensation seems to manifest in one of two forms, either some humanoid figure with its head in a type of vacuum or, two vessels, either a cup or a bowl, often appearing cracked or damaged side by side in some landscape caught in the process of one transferring some type of liquid or perhaps dust; molecules one to the other; as in the most minute and subtle form a dust particle of the earth slips between two tectonic plates, or, something similar to that. i continue in my efforts to portray this moment. is it possible to depict such a thing, i don’t know, it’s difficult enough for me to explain in words but, attempting to do so is to experience the pure joy and the magic of making art, just to get close just to make that effort is where the freedom lies. it’s all about the journey i mean, once there then what, another painting or drawing as for the traveller another destination

then of course there is the actual sitting and meditating itself. in my pre TM attempts at meditation and in fact during the first couple of months or so of practicing TM i associated meditating / transcending with ecstasy. with some euphoric state and, on the several occasions i experienced these feelings during my earlier meditations i really thought i had made it. i meditated this morning i transcended and it felt like this, listen.. when i meditate later i hope i transcend like i did this morning, it felt awesome.. that kind of thing. i’d be meditating and i’d feel warm pleasant waves of sensation wafting through my body, oh man i’d think this meditation is really working i’m transcending, i’m in ecstasy this is it, i don’t want this to end i want to stay here forever, that happened a few times and i’d think about it afterwards and during the day and look forward to the next meditation in the hope that i would reach those dizzying heights again. more often than not it wouldn’t happen like this at all. in fact the opposite would likely take place, a meditation crammed with myriad thoughts and the niggling question as to where was the blissful feeling, why aren’t i transcending.. and in there lies the key, take it easy, let it happen naturally, forget anticipation there is no expectation no hopes no desire no will nor force just be there and sure enough it happens, one is transcending continually between all those thoughts; so many things to do and not do people to see places to go did they really used to say that were they serious those people and places best avoided best left who were they now ah yes that incident that calamity that where was it now how do do do i escape timing tricks in flick fleck back back back to the picture house that auditorium where was it was it was it there at all did i dream you told me about that about the rhythm and how to remember the important meaningful details of life i just caaaant seem to get a grip on it at all as much as i try not to im falling in step with another line for goodness sake get me back to ground i can’t imagine how long this’s been going on the red ants beneath an upturned house brick with scuffed knocking knees that side alley shadowed door ajar the most verdant of fresh grass greener shoots between the flag stone cracks im in the middle knocked in a flash by no meaning at all into the middle of next week so many people to see things to do a chink in grey light passes where unknown thoughts patterned the curtain lining stitching twitching hitching up memory gears out there in here in memory gone and just like that the mantra returns as the anchor catches the sea bed and brings the bobbing vessel to rest and there is nothing..