Discipline is the road to freedom

there’s no doubt about it I noticed profound changes in how I felt, my thought process and my way of doing things almost immediately after starting transcendental meditation; TM; my art practice and much concerning it changed within a couple of weeks, I mean really changed; for me as an artist, a seismic shift. the end of one phase and the beginning of another right out of nowhere or rather, right out of, as I learnt later, nothing. But as a fore note regarding what happened from the outset and how that affected the art work well, it went like this: I became more ordered. within the first days. I noticed this straight away and, along with this new order I began working more. I’d always worked hard but this was different, I worked better. I became almost overnight more structured and productive. I sit and sit eyes closed and sit and sit some more the eyes closed not screwed up closed just resting closed sitting there the body there the eye lids resting there the room beyond me in the body in the corner arse in the easy chair curtains closed eyes closed settled down breathing in the body being in the body sitting there on my arse in the chair mantra mantra mantra mantra this feels good so good oh christ I’m thinking about feeling good where’s the mantra gone in all this sweetness relaxed sitting in the chair on my arse in the corner of my room meditating now I’m not meditating I’m just thinking about meditating and what is meditating what am I doing here in the corner and the goldfinches are back I hear them I hear them picture them outside beyond the window my eyes are closed I’m here and I’m meditating and mantra mantra mantra mantra gone gone gone sinking swimming under into the pond some pond an expanse of fleshy liquid with a film on top of origins primeval soup I’m sinking deeper going under am algae microscopic underneath it looking up from under the cover under the green the blue the stagnant pool the tarry bowl the mud and muck squelching and squirting into being from the tape worms fart this is it this is it oh mother I’m alive mantra mantra mantra deeper deeper the other side of the sun I am the sun aglow aflame under umber nothing but warm tangerine silks dragging across my face dissolving beyond life ecstasy floating into fire into fumes into ether nothingness is here in this collision of vast black barrage balloons high up above filling the entirety of my vision my world my existence oh christ christus flickering flicker flicker mantra mantra mantra I must remember I must remember this world where I went where I was formed where I was found this what ever it is sitting on my arse on this chair in the corner of my room with eyes closed somewhere behind the morning am I meditating now is this what I’m doing I’m going to paint I’ll have breakfast then I’ll paint I’ll paint no I’ll draw no vehicle passes by were they goldfinches or blue tits before did I imagine when that was but I’m meditating I hear voices and see flashes of golden light the breathing is calm where is the mantra what is it is this meditating when I fall then float no this can’t be for I’m aware that I am and that this inner self has left the body in meditational mayhem incessant internal conversation down there on the chair and now drifting around somewhere between here and the ceiling and I’m looking down and across from every conceivable vantage point observing myself this thing some thing there way over there with eyes closed in semi darkness I must have been here thinking this for a minute or ten minutes or ten seconds a dream second or how long I don’t know I’ve just sat down and closed my eyes and any moment now I’m going to start meditating just as soon as I’ve expelled these distracting thoughts about what I’m going to do next out of my mind into another mind is this really it just keep the eyes closed and just be there relax in mantra mantra mantra..

for five years I’d been painting an investigation into the complexities of being a human being; the shadow self, identity, personas and personality disorders and, the nature of relationships and how we treat one another. particularly how adults treat children; what parents do. existential matters.. I’d worked on a few other related subjects but this was the bulk of what I was working on. I painted every day. though the subject matter of what I was exploring was coming from complex and dark origins the paintings were practically always executed in bright and often garish colours; pinks reds aqua and sky blues yellows and hospital greens, for whatever reason I selected to paint these unsettling scenarios playfully. Suggesting a sense of the absurd perhaps.. During this phase I used characters; other people; figurative set ups to convey what I was feeling and investigating. Somehow I didn’t wish to display too much personal involvement in the work. These situations therefore were showing the potential condition of any or every man or woman. Though I was channelling my own very personal experience and interpretation of these feelings and conditions I preferred to maintain a certain anonymity in the execution of the imagery. Then I started TM.

The work changed almost overnight and took a direction I had hitherto not imagined, it completely and utterly transformed. The same subject matter but in an entirely different representation coming from a radically more personal and intimate place. I no longer felt the need to use figurative imagery and, if you like, other people or alter egos to portray what I was feeling or trying to describe but instead had an uncontrollable need to display the sensations themselves in almost molecular levels of detail; to explore the origins of my thoughts. To map and expose the landscape within. I decided to put these new ideas down with charcoal, the most rudimentary material I could imagine.. Im sitting down in the corner with eyes closed. Now I learned pretty quick that all the decoration the dreamy bits the pleasant physical sensations the plans and all the ideas that were streaming in were merely side effects from the essence of what was really going on; stress was a distant memory, these were the refined and finer thoughts being produced between the mantra and nothing, no thing. Beyond these series of moments beyond nothing there was an even more bountiful and accessible cache of life affirming treasures to be found; the overall positivity and wellbeing that infuses everyday life. The physical and mental health benefits the uplifted mood and increased productivity, the raised fellow feeling understanding and empathy found in a more balanced and measured view of humanity; the accepting, the trust, the love, all these things which add up to a more confident and dynamic sense of self and potential, an ideal starting point for, in my own personal case increased ideas creativity and productivity. It simply happened.

And what happened were dipictions of these glimpses of thought, of these constructions, these structures that exist between the mantra and nothing. The visions that appear upon my closed eyes, what I think of as my interior landscape; the world or the cosmos within and, when I come out of meditation I remember these images and either make sketched notes of them or go about putting them down immediately. Alongside this shift in medium and imagery developed also an uncontrollable urge to get more and more involved in the work. I didn’t know how this would occur or what exactly the desire entailed all I knew was that I needed to get closer to what I was doing and this evolved quite organically into my confronting the surface I was to work on in an entirely open manner and simply allowing myself to do whatever I felt like doing; to follow my emotional instinct to unlock the channels and allow the interior to manifest in whatever way it wished. And ultimately what I realised was, that these pictorial manifestations of the interior landscape were in fact representations of my true undiluted unadulterated self and that by making these appear through my own uninhibited renderings I was not only becoming closer and more involved in the work by channelling and allowing this to happen I was in fact becoming the work itself; I was being the work.. I was the work.